How it felt coming back home

Hello, it's been a while

Today I was looking through my computer and I found this document I worte a few days after I got back from my exchange year and I as I read it all the feelings came back. It's a lot better now and I've been back twice. I wanted to share the document though becuase I know it could help a lot of returning exchange students out there, so here it goes:

So I’m finally back home again. Or I don’t know if finally is the right word, but well I’m home again. Well, I’m in Sweden again with my family. Wait, my biological family. That’s the hardest part about being back. I’m with my family, but I miss my family. I’m hanging out with my friends but I miss my friends. I enjoy life, but I miss my life. There is no right or wrong anymore. There is more than one of everything and it’s an extremely strange feeling. There are so many things I miss. I miss late nights at dq and hop jack’s, free refills, Friday dinners out, playing tennis after school, the heat, fuck there are so many things I miss. But mostly it’s the people. It’s crazy that there are these people that you spent up to 10 months with, people that became part of your everyday life and now you don’t even know when’s gonna be the next time you see them. One of the even crazier thing are the exchange students. People that you were so close with for so long and have so many memories together. People that spoke over 10 different languages together, all of them making an effort just to talk to each other. People who all left everything they knew to go to a foreign place with people that they had never met. I miss all of my FES’s so bad. People from all over the world that were gathered in one city and now they’re spread out all over the world. Literally people on every single continent and it’s such a strange feeling. People that used to be so close are now forced apart because of distance. Fucking awful distance. I feel so lost although at the same time so at home. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever had. Everyone says that it’s the prize you pay for traveling. You will leave pieces of your heart all over the world and you will never feel totally at home again. And yeah I get that could be true but this can’t be healthy for a person. I seriously think something is wrong with me and it actually kinda scares me. Right this moment I just really want to lay in my bed and cry and feel sorry for myself. I miss Kennewick, or more like the people so much that it hurts and I can’t deal with this. I mean I have to but I kinda feel like giving up whatever that’s supposed to mean.

At the same time as I miss Kennewick I’m glad I’m back home. No, actually, I don’t know. What I do know is I love my friends and family here, I love public transportation, and I love my freedom. 

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I really hope that this can help people. And it does get better. I do miss Kennewick and the people there every single day but it's a lot easier now than it was then. Hang in there. 

Presidential Election 2016 - Dissappointed beyond words

Soooo surprise I'm back in the US for 16 days, but that's not what I wanted to talk about.

       Coming back has been both amazing and not so amazing. It's made me think of all the people I left behind. My old life. My family. My friends.

      Soo the first couple of days I actually started thinking about moving here to Kennewick and go to the college here for 1-2 years so I could hang out more with this family and just because this really felt like home. I started looking up the technicalities of moving here and talked to my australian host sister about it since she moved here. It seemed like such a great idea. Although I felt kinda horrible for "leaving" my family in Sweden for a while but I know they would support me.

      Then I realized how conservative this city is and how many times I had just wanted to hit something really hard during my exchange year because I was so frustrated with how conservative people were. I'm so lucky to live in a country (Sweden) where being gay is okay and legal (marriage),where every sexuality is accepted (not 100%, but you're probably not gonna get in big trouble for not being straight), where abortion is a given choice, where women are a lot more equal to men than in a lot of othe rcountries (including the US), where it's okay to talk about sexaulity and genitals from a pretty young age, where there are a lot of mixed gender bathrooms, where we believe in doing the best for the environment, where a lot of people are vegetarians and that's okay, where race when applied to human beings don't exist cause it's scientifically proven to not exist, where it's illegal to spank or in any other way physically punish a child, where most people question religion and doesn't just believe what their parents or county believes and takes that for being the truth, where we talk about gender, sex and accpetance in school, where boys can wear pink and girls can like cars, and I could really go on forever.

       Of course all these things don't apply in all cases or everywhere in Sweden but it's generally true. Well I thought about these things and I finally told myself to accept the consevativeness here ,and knows, if I moved here maybe I'd be able to change a mind or two.

       And then today happened. The presidential election. I'm upset beyond words. It all started out as a joke and trust me Europe still thinks it's a joke. No one can understand how this happened. I'm honestly not that surprised tho. I know that people vote for him because they don't like either one and they want change. But honestly. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE SO CONSERVATIVE THAT THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE DIRECTON THIS COUNTRY IS GOING, gay marruage as an example. So many conservatives that wants to make abortions illegal, so many poeple who wants to go back a 100 years to a time where women and minoriteies were being treated horribly and where being anything other than straight was a mental disorder that could be cured. AND IT'S SO MESSED UP. And hey I also know that you guys are upset with how your country works and that a lot of votes for this "winner" were votes aginst how the United States is being run and yeah I get that. But America.. you guys don't seem to understand that you have sooo much power and you guys electing president is such a huge responsibility because you guys pratically rule the world. This is not a joke.

       And this is where I come to my second part of this post. My whole life I've adored America and I know I'm faaaar from the only one. So many people in this world adores the US and this country has huge effects and impacts on us. I myself have been looking up to this country for a long time, but it wasn't until I moved here that I realized how far this country has to go before it's even close to Sweden or any other Scandinavian/Some European countries when it comes to social issues and it just made me really dissappointed. Had I really been looking up to a country that stood for the exact opposite as I did. A country where they still sort people in to races, where you can spank your child, where in many places being a part of the LGBTQI+ community is seen as something bad or weird, where guys have to like cars and girls have to love pink, It was like going back soo many years, Grow up America.

     Following this election today and having seen the result has made me realize I could never move here. The conservativeness and the number of conservatives here makes me sick. I refuse to live in a country where the President is against abortion and gay marriage, harasses women on an almost daily basis. makes fun of disabled people, are against minorities, is a racist and sexist, encourages countries to produce nukes, and I could really go on forever but I know that everyone knows what he's done and said and just thinking about it makes me sick. I refuse to live in a country that stands for hate. 

      And yes I do know that Hillary is awful in so many ways and there is no excuse for that. But seriously, America is already a lot behind when it comes to social issues and now you guys wanna go back even more years?

       I have never in my entire life been this dissapointed in anyone or anything. I used to love this country but now I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm just so dissappointed.

I know my opinion isn't that important when it comes to the bigger picture but I really had to get this out because I'm going crazy.
I'm so sorry that this happened to this country that was finally going the right way. I'm scared.

Obama, you will be missed. Thank you for everything.

(And I don't want to offend peopel with this, I just had to get it out)

4 månader

Har inget wifi nuu men inlägget kommer upp så fort jag har wifi igen. Så det är nu natten till julafton, klockan är nästan 1 och jag och margie har spenderat senaste timmarna med att slå in julklappar som ska öppnas på juldagsmorgonen. Köpte sista julklappen idag så är äntligen färdig med det! Idag var det alltså 4 månader sen jag lämnade mitt kära hem. Tiden har gått så extremt fort och har verkligen ångest när jag tänker på att det bara är 6 månader kvar, usch.. Har iallafall massa och se fram emot, bland annat, prom, graduation, disneyland och Alaska. Men har ändå panik, vill stanna här för alltid. Självlart hade det varit trevligt och ha mina vänner och familj här men har det så himla grymt och allt där hemma känns så himla långt bort.. Drömde inatt att jag åkte hem (tog tåget av någon anledning, för det finns ju mellan sverige och usa..) och jag träffade mina kompisar på tåget och de sa hej och så men sen ville de inte ens prata med mig och de sparade ingen plats till mig så fick sitta l¨ångt bort från de jämte några människor från högstadiet. Tror en liten rädsla börjar krypa fram i min hjärna att jag ska tappa de när jag är här borta. Även fast jag innerst inne vet att det inte är fallet. De kommer alltid finnas där för mig och jag älskar de enormt mycket.

Idag är det alltså dagen innan julafton och den har mest spenderats med att baka kakor, lite skype och bara chilla. Behövde verkligen ta dett lite lugnt för harregud vad detta lovet varit hektiskt tills nu. Vi hade en liten fest i måndags (alla säger att det var min födelsedagsfest och dett fanns tårta och de sjöng för mig, men NEJ det var inte en födelsedagsfest..). Det var iallafall supertrevligt och efter det åkte jag och Jesse till ett distriktliknande key club möte vilket är typ välgörenhet. Supertrevligt, ska lägga upp bilder från måndagen för har en del och det var en grym dag. Imon är det julafton och vi ska göra lefsa och sen på kvällen ska vi enligt deras tradition åka och äta round table pizza och sedan dagen efter är det juldagen och jag är väldigt exalterad! Ska bli superkul, och ser verkligen fram emot all mat och hela underbara släkten!

Innan jag åkte läste jag alltid att utbytisarr hade det väldigt svårt med hemlängtan runt jul och jag trodde jag skulle ha väldigt mycket hemlängtan men ärligt talat har jag 0 hemlängtan. Visst älskar min familj och våra jultraditioner men detta är bara ett år och jag njuter såå mycket. Min tid hittils har varit helt underbar och jag kunde inte vara lyckligare och mer tacksam för min underbara värdfamilj och alla andra som gjort detta året helt grymt. Vill aldrig aldrig åka hem. Har en otrolig panik över att det bara är 6 månader kvar. Ska ta vara på varenda sekund.

God Jul på er alla!

Ha det gött!

Jag har kommit så långt

--- I'm posting this now because I didn't have wifi on the bus ---

Just nu sitter jag på bussen på väg mot en liten stad/by som heter Leavenworth. Vi åker med International club, staden är typ känd för sin j"julstämning". Det tar ungefär tre och en halv timme dit.Vi lämnade Kennewick några minuter efter 8, så nu har vi åkt i en timme och 45 minuter. Min värdbror ligger på min axel och sover och jag äter kakor, lyssnar på musik och uppdaterar här eftersom jag inte är så himla bra på det...

Känner mig superfilosofisk. Sitter här och kollar ut genom fönsret och lyssnar på "filosofisk" musik (ni vet, musik som liksom får en att tänka tillbaka på gamla minnen och framtiden och allt där emellan. Tänkte tillbaks på flygresan hit. Jag var livrädd och grät som en liten bebis, men nu i efterhand, fy vad underbart det ändå var. Det var första steget till ett helt grymt år. viss jag var skräckslagen, men gud vad förväntansfull och exalterad jag var. Detta var såå utanför min comfort zone. Jag var väldigt distanserad när jag åkte. Tänkte bara att detta inte händer, detta är inte jag, detta är inte mitt liv. När som helst vaknar jag och allt detta är en drööm. Men ne, det hände inte, för det var jag och det var mitt liv. När jag kom hem till min värdfamilj var jag fortfarande i denial som jag tror jag pratat om förut. Vaknade varje morgon och ville bara hem. Det var verkligen hemskt. Inget fel på min värdfamilj eller något men jag hade bara en enorm hemlängtan. Varje morgon var exttremt jobbig. Hade en kalender och för att inte typ dö av hemlängtan krossade jag ut dagen innan, som en slags terapi, för då vissteb jag att jag hade tagit mig igenom ännu en dag. Tror detta slutade efter typ en månad. Men innan dess grät jag nästan varje dag i skolan, det var skitsvårt attt hålla det tillbaks. Tack o lov märkte folk knappt aldrig det för jag försökte att dölja det. 

Men iallafall, tillbaks till det positiva. Från den skräckslagna tjejen som varje dag vaknade och inte ville något annat än att ta nästa plan hem igen har jag kommit så otroligt långt. Älskar mitt liv här nu. Får lite smått panik när jag tänker på att det bara är typ sex och en halv månad tills jag ska åka hem. En del av mig villverkligen aldrig någonsin hem igen. Jag älskar livet här. Samtidigt som en del av mig bara vill kunna krama om vänner och familj hemma i sverige igen. Men ärligt talat, FAN vad stolt jag är. Jag tog mig igenom den hemska perioden i början för jag visste någonstans deep down att det skulle gå över. Och det gjorde det. Har gjort så många saker under min tid här som jag aldrig trodde jag skulle våga, men det gjorde jag. Har växt så grymt mycket och jag är grymt stolt över mig själv. Denna upplevelsen har redan varit 1000 gånger mer än jag förväntade mig. Först och främst har jag en helt underbar värdfamilj och släkt och utan de vet jag inte vad jag skulle göra. Har helt plötsligt en italiensk bror som känns precis som en riktig bror. Vet inte hur jag ska överleva när jag åker tillbaks. det kommer aldrig vara så här igen. Vi kommer åka tillbaks till två olika länder. Harregud vill inte ens tänka på det. Jag har även skaffat kompisar från runt om i hela världen, bland annat, Holland, Pakistan, Lebanon, Kina, Thailand, Nordiska länderna, Italien, Frankrike osv. Och det är verkligen helt underbart. Denna upplevelsen har verkligen fått mig att inse att även fast man är från heeeelt olika länder runtom i världen är det så mycket man har gemensamt. Så tacksam för alla utbytesvänner jag har. Kan knappt vänta på att komma hem igen så jag kan börja jobba igen och åka och hälsa på alla.

Har även fått flera svenska vänner jag aldrig skulle träffat om det inte var för detta året, och fy de är alla verkligen helt grymma. Grymt stolt och glad för att jag vågade mig på detta äventyret. Har redan växt grymt mycket som person så can´t wait på vad som kommer härnäst.

Nu ska jag väl avsluta detta. Ska ha en grym dag i Leavnworth. Alla som funderar på att åka som utbytesstudent, GOOO, åk bara åk, du kommer INTE ångra dig.

Three months

Today I've been here for three months which is kind of crazy..
I remember the day I left, and said bye to my family and Linnea on the airport in Gothenburg. I was crying so much. I could barely see anything and I couldn't focus at all. Everything was a blur. I saw my mom waving to me as I was hugging my sisters and Linnea and it didn't feel real. Not a single bit real. I went through security, totally forgetting to put liquids in bags (Thank god I was in Sweden though, because they didn't care) and I didn't know what to do or where to go because I don't even remember last time I flew. Somehow I found my way and I was crying so much, I just wanted to go back, I knew my family was there just a few hundred meters away. I've never done anything harder than that. The fact that I had to fly all alone to Stockholm didn't make it better. I cried the whole way on the plane, which was only an hour though. the man next to me had a daughter that was in America as an au pair so we talked about that and he tried to make me calm down. He was really nice and I'm so glad he sat next to me. Funny though how nice people are when you're crying.
When I came to Stockholm I had to wait for an hour for Klara and a STS staff member. It was horrible. I just wanted to call my mom or a friend but I couldn't because I knew it would just make everything even worse and I would panic. Instead of calling someone at home I called Carl that I had only been talking to for a few years. Let me tell you that was such a good decision. It helped so much and I am forever grateful for that phone call. (Thank you Carl, you're amazing). After an hour they came and we hung up. I was so glad I was starting this year long trip with Klara who I've known since last october. she was the first exchange student I found on internet and the first one I started talking to, and I am so happy we got the same departure date.
Everything felt so unreal. I didn't cry more during the flights though, and I didn't cry the whole 5 days in NY. Everything still fet so unreal though, like I would be home in a couple of days again. After 5 days we said bye to each other and we flew to our host families. At the denver airport (where me and Ingrid had to wait for 4 hours) I called Linnea and I was so scared. I felt so small. What was I doing here all alone in this huge country. Somehow I made it and we finally arrived in Pasco where our host families were waiting. I knew I was gonna live with them for 10 months and I knew his city I had just flown over would be my home for the next 10 months, but everything was so unreal. I was truly in denial. Especially when we came to the house. Don't take this wring though, I really liked my host family from the beginning, but I came here late, I was really tired and everything just felt so wrong. I just wanted to go back home. Now. This was not my home. This was not my room. This was not my routines. I woke up every day with a lot of homesickness for at least three weeks, and I was so scared that it would be like this my whole year. As time went on I started to get in to my routines, and the house, my room, my host family and everything else. And after a little more than a month I felt so at home.
And thinking of how it was in the beginning now is so weird. I could not have asked for a better host family. This is truly my second home, and I feel so safe. It really is true what the organizations tell you before you leave, the most important thing is the host family, because honestly, even if this year would be crap (in school, and other sparetime) I wouldn't even care, because I have the best host family you can imagine and thanks to them this will be the best year of my life, and I am forever grateful to them for that.
So that I've been here for three months is kind of crazy. A little less than a third of my year has passed and I will do everything in my power to enjoy these last 7 months to the fullest.

Thank you to everyone who made this possible, I love you all.
Here is a collage of some pictures that shows a few moments from these amazing three months.

Ha det gött! (The reason I wrote this in English is because I started it in my sixth hour and I only had the american keyboard, and now all the non-swedish knowing people can read it!)

An amazing addition to my host family

Soooo, the people that know me or actually read my blog knows that I have an Italian friend called Simone who went to the same NY camp as me, goes to the same school as me, lives a few minutes away from my house, and is an amazing friend of mine.
Well, he's been living in a welcome host family since he got here two months ago. And a welcome family is a family that hosts you until your local coordinator finds you another host family. This can take one day to a few months, and our local coordinator hasn't found a good host family for him yet. My host family knows about this and the other day my host mom suggested that he could live here. My first instinct was no, because when I filled out the application for going here I said I really didn't want to get placed with another exchange student. The reasons for that was that I wanted my host family to be MY host family and i wanted my year to be MY year and didn't want to have to compare my year to someone else's.
After she suggested it I thought about it and I talked to my mom back in Sweden (Actually when Simone was sitting next to me, because he didn't know because I was speaking swedish) and I realized that this was a really good thing. I've always wanted a brother (and let me tell you, me and Simone already act like we are siblings), he is such a good friend of mine, Margie will move out in a few days which will make the house very empty, I didn't wan him to move farther away from me, and overall he is just such an amazing guy that living with him would be the best thing ever. So yesterday I told my host mom that I wanted him to live here if of course they wanted him to live here.
And today we hung out at the mall with some other exchange students and our Regional coordinator drove us home, me and Simone and her hostson from Lebanon. She says: Well, Simone, Natalie's parents called today and they would like to host y-. This is the part where I kind of started screaming because I was so happy so I told Simone the rest and he was sooo happy to hear the news, and I'm like, omg I'll have a host brotheeer,
Anyways there is some paperwork that needs to be done but he will probably move in this weekend or first thing next week and GUYS I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED.

I should go to sleep right now but this day has been so awesome I'm just so so so sos sossosos happy right now and I can't calm down.

I promise to write about the pumpkin patch and the pumpkin carving very soon (It was aaaaamazing),

And I just wanted to say a thing that you really realize when you are an exchange student. You may think you are very sure about something or know how things will kind of turn out, but sometimes you may change your opinion in a millisecond or your whole situation changes in milliseconds and the year turns out to be something compleeetely different than what you first thought. And this is definitely not a bad thing.
I could not be more happy for living in the amazing and loving host family that I live in, because I love them all and they feel just like my real family and I'm so incredibly happy for that.

Ha det gött!

Kan alla bara baka regnbågscupcakes och prata om unicorns

Jag vill inte mer vakna till ett 20-tals nyhetsnotiser och sms på min telefonom hemska saker som händer i sverige. Helt ärligt tycker jag att det är otroligt obehagligt. Både att få veta att min gammelmormor dog, att människor bränner ner flyktingboenden och att en människa går in med ett sväd i en skola i sverige när man vaknar på morgonen är så otroligt läskigt. 

Först och främst vill jag bara sända all kärlek till de inblandade i dådet. Jag kan inte ens tänka mig hur ni känner. Det var en vidrig handling och ett vidrigt motiv. Sänder all kärlek till er.

Vill även säga att jag är så rädd att jag någon dag ska vakna upp med notiser och sms om att något hänt där jag bor eller någon annanstans där jag känner människor i sverige. Att veta att jag sover igenom en stor del av den svenska dagen och aldrig kan få veta något förrän jag vaknar dagen efter skrämmer mig. Jag vet att jag är lika maktlös här som där, men det känns så mycket läskigare att vara så här långt borta än att vara nära.

Vet att jag inte ska låta allt detta påverka mig och mitt år här bort, men det gör det. Inte överdrivet myycket, men det påverkar mig och jag är så rädd att något ska hända någon därhemma. 

Hur löjlig min rubrik än är och hur orealistisk och dagdrömmande den än är så önskar jag nästan ibland att man bara kunde säga detta och det hade funkat. Kommer aldrig förstå mig på människor som tror sig ha rätten att avsluta någon annans liv, eller att ens på något sätt förstöra någon annans liv.

Så med detta inlägget vill jag bara säga till alla hemma i sverige att snälla, snälla ta hand om er, och varandra. Älskar er alldelles för mycket för att något ska hända er.