natalieinthestates

6 september 2017

How it felt coming back home

Hello, it's been a while

Today I was looking through my computer and I found this document I worte a few days after I got back from my exchange year and I as I read it all the feelings came back. It's a lot better now and I've been back twice. I wanted to share the document though becuase I know it could help a lot of returning exchange students out there, so here it goes:

So I’m finally back home again. Or I don’t know if finally is the right word, but well I’m home again. Well, I’m in Sweden again with my family. Wait, my biological family. That’s the hardest part about being back. I’m with my family, but I miss my family. I’m hanging out with my friends but I miss my friends. I enjoy life, but I miss my life. There is no right or wrong anymore. There is more than one of everything and it’s an extremely strange feeling. There are so many things I miss. I miss late nights at dq and hop jack’s, free refills, Friday dinners out, playing tennis after school, the heat, fuck there are so many things I miss. But mostly it’s the people. It’s crazy that there are these people that you spent up to 10 months with, people that became part of your everyday life and now you don’t even know when’s gonna be the next time you see them. One of the even crazier thing are the exchange students. People that you were so close with for so long and have so many memories together. People that spoke over 10 different languages together, all of them making an effort just to talk to each other. People who all left everything they knew to go to a foreign place with people that they had never met. I miss all of my FES’s so bad. People from all over the world that were gathered in one city and now they’re spread out all over the world. Literally people on every single continent and it’s such a strange feeling. People that used to be so close are now forced apart because of distance. Fucking awful distance. I feel so lost although at the same time so at home. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever had. Everyone says that it’s the prize you pay for traveling. You will leave pieces of your heart all over the world and you will never feel totally at home again. And yeah I get that could be true but this can’t be healthy for a person. I seriously think something is wrong with me and it actually kinda scares me. Right this moment I just really want to lay in my bed and cry and feel sorry for myself. I miss Kennewick, or more like the people so much that it hurts and I can’t deal with this. I mean I have to but I kinda feel like giving up whatever that’s supposed to mean.

At the same time as I miss Kennewick I’m glad I’m back home. No, actually, I don’t know. What I do know is I love my friends and family here, I love public transportation, and I love my freedom.

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I really hope that this can help people. And it does get better. I do miss Kennewick and the people there every single day but it's a lot easier now than it was then. Hang in there.

9 november 2016

Presidential Election 2016 - Dissappointed beyond words

Soooo surprise I'm back in the US for 16 days, but that's not what I wanted to talk about.

Coming back has been both amazing and not so amazing. It's made me think of all the people I left behind. My old life. My family. My friends.

Soo the first couple of days I actually started thinking about moving here to Kennewick and go to the college here for 1-2 years so I could hang out more with this family and just because this really felt like home. I started looking up the technicalities of moving here and talked to my australian host sister about it since she moved here. It seemed like such a great idea. Although I felt kinda horrible for "leaving" my family in Sweden for a while but I know they would support me.

Then I realized how conservative this city is and how many times I had just wanted to hit something really hard during my exchange year because I was so frustrated with how conservative people were. I'm so lucky to live in a country (Sweden) where being gay is okay and legal (marriage),where every sexuality is accepted (not 100%, but you're probably not gonna get in big trouble for not being straight), where abortion is a given choice, where women are a lot more equal to men than in a lot of othe rcountries (including the US), where it's okay to talk about sexaulity and genitals from a pretty young age, where there are a lot of mixed gender bathrooms, where we believe in doing the best for the environment, where a lot of people are vegetarians and that's okay, where race when applied to human beings don't exist cause it's scientifically proven to not exist, where it's illegal to spank or in any other way physically punish a child, where most people question religion and doesn't just believe what their parents or county believes and takes that for being the truth, where we talk about gender, sex and accpetance in school, where boys can wear pink and girls can like cars, and I could really go on forever.

Of course all these things don't apply in all cases or everywhere in Sweden but it's generally true. Well I thought about these things and I finally told myself to accept the consevativeness here ,and knows, if I moved here maybe I'd be able to change a mind or two.

And then today happened. The presidential election. I'm upset beyond words. It all started out as a joke and trust me Europe still thinks it's a joke. No one can understand how this happened. I'm honestly not that surprised tho. I know that people vote for him because they don't like either one and they want change. But honestly. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY THAT ARE SO CONSERVATIVE THAT THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE DIRECTON THIS COUNTRY IS GOING, gay marruage as an example. So many conservatives that wants to make abortions illegal, so many poeple who wants to go back a 100 years to a time where women and minoriteies were being treated horribly and where being anything other than straight was a mental disorder that could be cured. AND IT'S SO MESSED UP. And hey I also know that you guys are upset with how your country works and that a lot of votes for this "winner" were votes aginst how the United States is being run and yeah I get that. But America.. you guys don't seem to understand that you have sooo much power and you guys electing president is such a huge responsibility because you guys pratically rule the world. This is not a joke.

And this is where I come to my second part of this post. My whole life I've adored America and I know I'm faaaar from the only one. So many people in this world adores the US and this country has huge effects and impacts on us. I myself have been looking up to this country for a long time, but it wasn't until I moved here that I realized how far this country has to go before it's even close to Sweden or any other Scandinavian/Some European countries when it comes to social issues and it just made me really dissappointed. Had I really been looking up to a country that stood for the exact opposite as I did. A country where they still sort people in to races, where you can spank your child, where in many places being a part of the LGBTQI+ community is seen as something bad or weird, where guys have to like cars and girls have to love pink, It was like going back soo many years, Grow up America.

Following this election today and having seen the result has made me realize I could never move here. The conservativeness and the number of conservatives here makes me sick. I refuse to live in a country where the President is against abortion and gay marriage, harasses women on an almost daily basis. makes fun of disabled people, are against minorities, is a racist and sexist, encourages countries to produce nukes, and I could really go on forever but I know that everyone knows what he's done and said and just thinking about it makes me sick. I refuse to live in a country that stands for hate.

And yes I do know that Hillary is awful in so many ways and there is no excuse for that. But seriously, America is already a lot behind when it comes to social issues and now you guys wanna go back even more years?

I have never in my entire life been this dissapointed in anyone or anything. I used to love this country but now I have no idea what to think anymore. I'm just so dissappointed.

I know my opinion isn't that important when it comes to the bigger picture but I really had to get this out because I'm going crazy.
I'm so sorry that this happened to this country that was finally going the right way. I'm scared.

Obama, you will be missed. Thank you for everything.

(And I don't want to offend peopel with this, I just had to get it out)

26 maj 2016

Galet varmt

Borde kanske uppdatera om något intressant men istället slänger jag in en bild på hur vädret kommer se ut om en vecka (NÄR MIN MAMMA ÄR HÄR) o jag tror jag kommer dö av värme för harregud.

18 maj 2016

Things I miss

So in 9 DAYS my mom will be here with me in Kennewick and I'm beyond excited. I haven't seen her in 273 days. My absolute closest friend. Crazy.

At the same time that I'm really excited I'm also extremely scared and nervous. I leave this town June 10th, 19 days. It hurts. I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to cope with that, but I thought that I'd write a list with all the things I miss about Sweden and maybe that'll help me feel a little bit better about going home.

- Bearnaisesås I don't even know what to say about this delicious sauce.

- SWEDISH CHOCOLATE, I can't even try to explain how disgusting american chocolate is. (No offense Americans, you have a lot of good candy and sweets, just not chocolate)

- My family. Something I've learned during these months is how important family is. Even if I have an amazing family here it's just not the same as the family you grew up with.

- My friends. I miss my friends so incredibly much. I have some really good friends here too and I don't even want to think about how hard it will be to leave them. But at the same time I can't wait to see my friends back in Sweden again.

- My freedom. I really miss my freedom. Kinda funny because I'm in the land of the free, but yeah I miss my freedom. I miss being treated like an adult with valued opinions.

- PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I really miss public transportation. We Europeans are very lucky when it comes to that. I was always annoyed by the trains and buses being late, but now I'll just be so thankful that they just exist.

There are probably a lot more things I miss that I just can't think of right now but these are the biggest things.

It's gonna be so incredibly hard to leave and I'm trying to do the best of every last moment I have here. I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to leave all these people that have been my life these past 9 months. Love you all so much. I'm just trying to not think about leaving because it's just easier that way.

There is a quote that's pretty popular with exchange students:

"You build a life for 17 years and leave it for 10 months. You build a life for 10 months and leave it forever. Which one is harder?"

In the beginning I couldn't even imagine how much harder it would be leaving this life forever than leaving my life back in Sweden for just a few months. I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to deal with it, but I'll worry about that when that day comes. As of right now I'm just trying to appreciate every second I have left here.

Ha det gött!